anyways, that's boring. it's just something that's an irritant in this brief moment. telf and i didn't make the meetup last night; oh well. there was a last-minute spider bite and a whole lot of tiredness and lack of gumption. instead, we got the CHEESE DIP, and toddled off to Border's and Target. i got the new Ms. and Bitch as well as a Shock Cinema magazine, which i bought for the cover article on Michael Moriarty of, you guessed it, L&O fame. the rest of the magazine itself is intensely frightening. i had no idea how extensive the genre of "exploitation film" was. when i'm done with it i'm going to give it to msteleute because apart from 60s flicks about gang rape, which i am guessing she doesn't want to hear about, it has some interesting suggestions in the horror genre.
telf and i talked a great deal about life and the nature of things. it made me feel very well adjusted yet at the same time kind of bitter and disillusioned. my parents have never said that they'd like to have grandchildren someday. they've always said that they'd prefer me to live my life and put that sort of thing off. but i wonder if they're going to start to think i'll never have any. which is what i'm starting to think. i mean, apart from being relentlessly selfish, i can't cook. i can't take care of myself well enough, let alone a dependent. but i can't be a cool grandma that raises hell and dates 59-year-olds when i'm 73 (scandal!) if i have no kids to have kids. i can't be a cool auntie, as i'm an only child!
i'm starting to think of marriage as a death sentence. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Please don't take this as an affront, all my married and engaged friends. I'm talking about my personal choices, I'm not here to judge what's good for anyone else.] i'm starting to think of kids as hindrances. i never used to think that way. i'm fricking obsessed with being active and productive, yet never seem to get anything done. i make these token forays into being good and then i'm like, i know! i've done a half hour of cleaning/organizing/productive stuff today! of course that means i get a reward! i'll watch tv! i'll play a game! i'll hang out with my friends! hanging out with my friends is in so many ways what i live for. but like, i'm not so sure that all my friends are so dedicated to the idea of friends-as-family as i am. i'm not saying that's a bad thing, i'm just saying that other people have different priorities, different attitudes about intimacy and friendship and family than i do. not that i have my attitudes so nailed down!!! i'm just musing on the nature of the way i choose to spend my time, and who i choose to spend it with. i think i have done a good job so far, yet, there are so many things i haven't achieved.
probably because i am FANTASTICALLY lazy. and easily frustrated by things that are hard. so how will i spend my time tonight? hell, i hope i spend it in bed. for now, work is mostly, done, some surreptitious searching for good tattoo fonts.