keep it dark (snidegrrl) wrote,
keep it dark

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class tonight was hard. and scary. but so far, i can at least say that i have ridden a motorcycle. i am proud of that much. if i fuck up tomorrow and just quit, i'll have to delete this entry...

the fact is i am petrified of tomorrow and part of me doesn't want to go back. but i MUST go back. i CANNOT give up. it's hard, but it's not that hard!!

so i dropped the bike twice. another girl dropped the bike once, but on her leg, and had to go to the hospital. (the girl that is about 75 pounds soaking wet) i think it was a perfunctory visit, but still she can't come back to class. a tiny part of my wished i were her and could leave. i must persist, though, not to save face, because obviously i'm telling the world right here how i feel, but because honestly i think it's anxiety getting the best of me and pessimism winning out over optimism, and i think that i CAN do it, although at several points i found myself saying inside my (new 160$) helmet "oh god, i can't do this, oh god".

i so desperately wanted to call steph and talk to her about how i feel. in a way i still do. but i think i will wait until sunday. i mean, i know she's been to the class and might be able to help me not be so... wussy about it. and you know, wanting to talk to her. my parents kind of helped when i called them... i thought they'd be like quit! it's dangerous! you have the right idea! but they weren't. they were like, you can't give up now! the instructors were also very encouraging and have not kicked me out yet.

i think that's all i can say about it... i'm going back tomorrow... but i'm frightened. of what, i am not really sure.
Tags: fear, her, motorcycle
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