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work = poo

this morning has certainly been an unpleasant one, in regards to work in the least. i wanted to relate a few things before the morning shift makes it in and i dive out of here like a fox being chased by a dozen well-trained hounds. firstly, i wanted to take note of the strange dream i had about people from my old job at the national academy of sciences. i dreamed that i was doing something to help them, in particular jeannie (she was the doyenne of the secretaries in my division and one of the people i disappointed most in my sad time there) to whom i was talking on the phone, i felt strongly i was making things up to them, i was making up for the uselessness i exhibited before. i told her how i kept having dreams about it even to this day, and she was surprised. after waking, it really struck me that i was telling her how i still dreamed about it, IN A DREAM ABOUT IT. guilt, anyone?

i suppose that's a fitting entrance to a comment on how tonight has made me feel: which is to say, like a total failure at my job. it's not as if i completely avoid doing my job, which was what i did at NAS, it just seems like my (in my humble opinion) half-assed attempts always go wrong. i don't think of the things i need to think of. i take actions that are too little, too inadequate, too slow. i was just going to say tonight, thank god the chief engineer was here to repair things, to guide us to the logical conclusion, but i got to thinking about it and i think he really did *all* the necessary steps. what good am i as a technician, my job being to fix things, if i fix things 75 percent of the way? it's fixed or it's not fixed. i don't fix things. therefore i am a failure at this.

on a lighter note, if you'd asked me when i was any younger than 18 if i'd be able to watch a zombie movie and then go to work at midnight, i'd have told you i would call in scared. but tonight i did just that! no thanks to lars following me down examorata's stairwell and shuffling towards me in zombie fashion just as i was getting into my car. i had already been looking around to see if the zombies were coming. fortunately, i only had a microsecond of pause when i thought i saw one.

i've started oliver sacks' "the man who mistook his wife for a hat" and it's deeply fascinating, if a little more superficial than i thought it would be. i long to talk to these people with no connection to their body or no face recognition or no memory. i want to help them and study them. i want to know why. i am taken with the idea that perhaps we're all afflicted with some kind of neurological problem, and where these people have it to the 100th degree, we only have it to the first incremental degree, causing thousands of thousands of misunderstandings every day. i'm dying to find out what the next section of the book contains; i just finished "Losses" and will begin "Excesses".

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yubbie
Jul. 28th, 2002 03:36 am (UTC)
Live fast, die young, leave a flesh eating corpse.
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