keep it dark (snidegrrl) wrote,
keep it dark

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i hate the letter 'b'

it's official. i am addicted to caffeine. it's that or i am really good at convincing myself of things. whenever i am feeling reeeeeally sleepy, it seems like all i have to do is *sip* coffee now and i wake up. i usually can't drink more than approximately 8 oz of the stuff anyways. is that really enough to have an effect? all i can tell you is that i've used the stuff regularly for about a month and prior to this month, that was far from true.

i really like this dress that koira gave me. except that i need at least 2 safety pins to actually wear it.

today i worked on resumes, watched tv, and then of course came to work tonight. jack came over for a short while, and i was extremely grateful. oh, and i worked out some, which is novel, to say the least. i need some new running shoes that aren't... well, that don't make my feet hurt. i also am sad that i don't have a walkman i can use consistently to run with and not have it skip. things keep crashing at work tonight, so that despite nominally having not alot to do, we're doing alot. it is good. i think i've gotten along more with my coworkers lately, as well. i have the Flieger tome, i have had it since last week; unfortunately, i haven't cracked it. i kind of wanted to get through stephen fry's first.

i told 2 of my coworkers about my fears of the elevators. namely, the daydream like the scene from the Shining and the my concern that the reflective doors will reveal something that is not there to the naked eye. they thought it was funny but confessed nervousness of the elevators in the middle of the night too.

i don't feel depressed right now, however i also know that the things that irked me still do deep down. i still fret on the pointlessness of life and all this other vague crap that preys on my positive attitude when i'm suddenly taken with pessimism. the threats to my employment, the pressure i need to put on myself to move, the finances, the not working hard on the things that i think would make me happy (i complain all the god damn time on this subject and yet never do anything, i mean really DO anything, to make it happen), the desire for unconditional love, the fact that cruelty exists in the world, the people on television and their ridiculousness, the little noises my car makes, the potential that my health isn't perfect, the potential that my cat's health isn't perfect, the worry that there are things to fret that i am forgetting... those are just a few things.

i really ought to write a "prosperity laundry list" to accompany the "worry laundry list".

this morning on the sundance channel i saw this documentary telling the story of the first all-women expedition to try to get across antarctica. i cried at how strong these women were and how they persevered in an insanely survival-oriented atmosphere. the simple fact is that i wish i had something like that in myself that i could respect.
Tags: introspection
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