keep it dark (snidegrrl) wrote,
keep it dark

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my sad morning

I couldn't stop crying all the way to work.

I was heading up 216 to get to 95/32, and saw a turtle about to go into the road. I did not hit him, thank god, but knew I should do something. I deliberated at the next light for about 30 seconds before I decided to turn around and try to get him out of the road.

It's not just that I was too late due to my own weakness of will. He was already in the road. I watched as a truck saw him, tried to swerve, failed (possibly beacuse the truck couldn't swerve into the lane I was in), hit him. I saw him flip into the air as I went by. I was too late. But then I couldn't bring myself to go back and see if he might still be OK. I couldn't imagine dealing with the potential scene. I could have helped in lots of ways even then: I could have moved him off the road to avoid further injury. I could have, if he was just really shaken up, taken him to a vet. But did I do any of those things? No. Because I am weak.

I was going to try to help.

This isn't just like "oh pity party for me". I spend what most people would think is an inordinate amount of time thinking about animals who get killed on the roads. I do a little ritual when I see an animal by the side of the road to speed its passing/help its spirit join the cosmos/whatever. That way when I go by it a second time, I will know it's moved on peacefully, and dust to dust and what-not. I've imagined elaborate behavioral studies and specially designed animal overpasses that attract animals to use them instead of crossing a road. I don't just want to feel better about myself.

Next time I just want to not hesitate, and not be afraid to go back. Because that's what helps, not me crying all the way to work.
Tags: sad
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