keep it dark (snidegrrl) wrote,
keep it dark


I have been torturing myself all afternoon looking at french bulldog rescue sites. (I would like to note that the very words "forever family" are well designed to evoke spouts of tears from me.)

This is sort of in opposition to my week's goal of separating myself from desire.

The slogan I flipped to monday night in The Key: And the Name of the Key is Willingness was

It is easier to want what you get than to get what you want.

I have been thinking about this from a point of view of seeing what I have and what I get over the course of the week, and wanting that. The part I am having a hard time with is when wanting comes up, because I am a person who often lives through desire and expression of desire. So when the afternoon got slow, I thought about looking for things I want, or looking for things TO want.

There are exercise questions in the book. The first one stumps me:

How do you determine what you want?

How do I determine what I want? My kneejerk answer to that is, "I don't know, I just want it". I haven't really figured out how to get beyond that kneejerk reaction yet.

The questions that follow are easier.

How do you feel and act when you get what you want?
How do you feel and act when you don't get what you want?

When I get what I want, I am momentarily relieved. Then I determine what my next want is, and focus on wanting whatever it is I want. When I do not get what I want, I go on wanting or let go. But even if I let go, I quickly determine what I want next, and commence wanting that. Much of this very journal is dedicated to loving paeans to things I want or experiences I want to have, so I am sure this comes as no surprise to anyone who knows me. (I have a tag devoted to "stuff", for crying out loud.) I don't really expect this sort of thinking to disappear just yet, but I'd like to start by being aware. With a smidgen of the aforementioned wanting what I get.

Then the kicker:

What do you give up in order to cling to your notions about what you want?

And the answer to this last one is very easy. I give up the present. In other words, I give up everything I have.
Tags: zen
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