Every day I live, I feel more of a pull towards changing things. I feel like more and more of a liar and a hyprocrite. I've been reading about feminism for a long time, and feel completely a feminist, yet I haven't sorted out my body image issues and my anger and frustration mainly incite backlash in the people around me. Now I am reading anti-consumerism literature, and I identify; I despise the pop culture and the corporate megalomania. Yet I sit here in my jeans from Rave, seldom able to eat anything that doesn't come out of a package which I immediately throw away, not knowing whether my clothes were made in a sweatshop, and eager to turn on the radio when I hop in the car so that I can have something to focus my attention on. At the same time that I want to strike down the image of the 100-pound woman as the ideal I desperately want to diet and exercise to get myself closer to that ridiculous goal. I am a giant ball of contradiction. When will I stop it? Will I give up and join the ranks of the "thank god for convenience, my money is my own to spend however i want, god bless free america" elite of this nation? Would I ever be brave enough to stand up for what I beleive in, as not a hypocrite, but as an adherer to the views I espouse? Will I ever be intelligent and mindful enough to defend those views to the myriad critics who will constantly assail them from every angle? Should I demurely sit back when I hear someone talk about women that they work with and evaluate them on their "hotness" or should I step up and bring my politics into the place of my paycheck and let them know how disrespectful that is? What do I say to people who tell me I'm a tightass? Sometimes I feel it is shameful that I don't let people know how I feel when they say something that doesn't align with what I think is right. But at the same time, I know I can't do that. I know I can't go around all the time being fucking judgemental of other people's lifestyles and attitudes. People think I rob myself of enjoyment of life, they worry about whether I'm just acting out some personal issue with an ex boyfriend or a childhood memory. No, I didn't enjoy that movie. that comic. that show. that song. No, it wasn't funny to laugh at something I find appalling just because hey, it's not real, so we can just enjoy it. I know I am probably setting myself up for a fall with all this. Maybe a life of loneliness, maybe I'm not hedonistic enough, maybe I won't even ever be able to take the reins and become responsible for what's going on in my head. Just, whatever the consequences, I hope I don't live the rest of my life fighting with myself about it. I hope I stick with a path and follow it through and actually act outside myself to make the world a better place, as fucking trite as that is. I'm no stranger to happiness, either. I just want it to be real.