?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

theme of regret

Last week I did not attend an event (protest of Larry Flynt's new Hustler club, I state clearly, because I should not be afraid of saying it out loud) in a mix of fear and supposed reflection. It was an opportunity to help new friends, to stand up for my convictions, and to prove I am a person of action and not just talk. Since then, I have been intensely disappointed in myself and mindful of what this means. Yes, I made a mistake last week. This is not intended as some kind of backdoor apology to the people I didn't join at the protest. Because what good would that do? Regrets are terrible things to have.

Finished Ian McEwan's Amsterdam. Quite good, but not as amazing as Atonement. Going back to Walker Percy's The Moviegoer which sadly keeps putting me to sleep, and add to that attempting to pick up my favorite author's favorite book, The Hamlet by Faulkner. It's very clear I'm in love with the literary south. Deep, abiding love. I continue to pick up fiction because, for some reason, I want to escape.

Suddenly, I miss painting Warhammer minis. Carnivàle is making me really happy. To me, the people are so much more real, ironically, than even on most contemporary reality shows. Several moments this weekend caused me to think about how I have always been surrounded by brilliant people who I am not quite as smart as, and trying to make up for this by being more "emotionally compelling"*. This has backfired in myriad ways, but I can see now how some things haven't changed a damn bit. I can't wait to have the storage unit, so that temporarily I can clear out my life and take things one at a time. Also, I hope to make it more convenient to re-institute a regime of inspirational post-it note messages designed to motivate me, something that sounds ridiculous and looks especially ridiculous to any outside visitor, but has worked in the past.

I found more bugs in my garlic powder last week. I have basically given up on keeping food in the house (apart from what I can store on the table in the dining room without annoying my roommate and what I can keep in the fridge), due in part to my own psychological problems. This makes eating ten times more expensive. It's completely stupid at this point. I need to consider ways to pack a lunch that won't send me screaming to the Hunan Gate and Pizza Roma daily in a gluttonous frenzy. It amuses me to think that even when I was gravely constricted by budget, back when I first moved up here and was working in Georgetown, I would still eat tons of take-out comfort food (and then not pay my student loan payment month after month... brilliant) in daily fits of irresponsiblity. Now that I can afford to do it, that doesn't make it any more responsible.

It is time to confess that now is not as completely a time of positivity as I would like to think. It has all the earmarks, but one thing is missing, and I have to bring it to the table. That's been the challenge all year. It's November.

And once again everything comes clear: the red flag (rag?) flies.

* "Emotionally compelling" has traditionally manifested as psychodramatic, melodramatic, wearing the weird flag higher than necessary, being an emotional absolutist, giving myself and my effort so wholly to someone/a relationship that my self is compromised, trying to emulate an "artistic temperament" and various efforts both conscious and unconscious.

Comments

( 51 comments — Leave a comment )
martinhesselius
Nov. 17th, 2003 09:56 am (UTC)
::Hugs::

Suddenly, I miss painting Warhammer minis.
Let me know if you need to get ahold of menthu_lilitusa.
snidegrrl
Nov. 17th, 2003 10:09 am (UTC)
Oh, I'm pretty sure I can track him down :)
calling dibs - cheetahmaster - Nov. 17th, 2003 11:40 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: calling dibs - professorbooty - Nov. 17th, 2003 07:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: calling dibs - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:05 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: calling dibs - cheetahmaster - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:31 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:44 am (UTC) - Expand
nixieq
Nov. 17th, 2003 10:16 am (UTC)
*hugs* feel better. at least you're self-aware enough to, uh, be aware of what's going on. >:)
snidegrrl
Nov. 18th, 2003 05:05 am (UTC)
:) Thanks. It's not just a matter of feel better... well except for the cramps.
subliminaltea
Nov. 17th, 2003 10:37 am (UTC)
Regret is a vicious thing, that I understand well. I've planned out lots of things I wanted to do, but when the time came I was just paralyzed with indecision or apathy. Or overwhelmed with all the choices, so ended up doing nothing. The temptation to beat up on one's inner self is great after that... I mean, after all, we did it to ourselves, right? So maybe we deserve to make ourselves feel bad about not doing the things we think we want to do. Delicious agony. Heh. It's a hard thing to break too. You can listen or read all the inspirational stuff you can handle, but when the time comes and you catch yourself falling into regret, it doesn't help much. The only thing I'vc found that helps is giving myself a good mental smack and telling myself, "Stop it already! You're being dumb." then trying to take things less seriously. Sometimes we just think too much.
snidegrrl
Nov. 18th, 2003 05:06 am (UTC)
I've planned out lots of things I wanted to do, but when the time came I was just paralyzed with indecision or apathy.

Yeah - I cannot stand for that kind of behavior in my life. I don't wanna be standing around at 70, 80, 90 thinking, "man if only I'd gotten off my ass and done that stuff".
ubet_cha
Nov. 17th, 2003 10:48 am (UTC)
Larry Flynt's new Hustler club protest
I have an issue with porn because its gross and ( to me) a waste of money, but I think that kind of outlet will always be around. I know, I may get flamed for this, some people are very passionate about it. At one time I was one of those who thought aboloshing its legality was the best solution. As I get older, I see how that kind of legistlation just drives this kind of thing underground. Making it worse for the people who make the mistake of trying to earn a living in it. At least out in the open, it can be regulated and abuse can be found faster.

I know, I know, it really depends on whether those doing the watching/regulating are honest competent people. Even so, I think this kind of crap is in our genetic heritage and won't go away. Did that protest even make the news? Did it do anything at all to effect business or the political stance of the city? I wouldn't feel to bad about missing the protest, that's really your call. Personally, I'd rather get involved with groups trying to stop the predators who do much worse then open a strip club.........If we ever get that type of crap under control, then I'll be happy to work on cleaning up the redlight district. At least now with, with this junk kept in one zone we know where we can watch out for people.
eeedge
Nov. 17th, 2003 11:03 am (UTC)
Re: Larry Flynt's new Hustler club protest
My feeling on the subject is that as long as people are all participating voluntarily and not hurting anyone else, then they should be allowed to make skin flicks, etc. It doesn't hurt me to have porn out there. But I want it a) kept out of my face and b) kept out of my children's faces.

I *do* have a major problem with the idea of censorship for the sake of morality. If we take everything out of the curriculum that offends anyone and then prevent publication of the same things, then we, as a society, are in real trouble. My two cents, YMMV.

What I find terribly amusing is that many of the same people who claim homosexuality is immoral are seen going into strip clubs...
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 17th, 2003 11:13 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - eeedge - Nov. 17th, 2003 01:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:08 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 17th, 2003 11:10 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ubet_cha - Nov. 17th, 2003 11:43 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 17th, 2003 12:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - larksdream - Nov. 17th, 2003 12:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:12 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - larksdream - Nov. 18th, 2003 07:25 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 07:35 am (UTC) - Expand
shadrone
Nov. 17th, 2003 11:06 am (UTC)
Just curious. What aspect(s) of this club opening were you motivated to protest against? (Also, is this just a normal strip club or something else?)
snidegrrl
Nov. 17th, 2003 11:11 am (UTC)
Larry Flynt is a sexist asshole. That alone is enough. But FYI I am anti-porn. I am not interested in forcing anyone else to my views but I have no problem in making other people aware of them. And by not going, I made a decision that I didn't want my voice heard. And I am extremely conflicted about that decision.
(no subject) - shadrone - Nov. 17th, 2003 12:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:17 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - eeedge - Nov. 17th, 2003 01:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - izzerwurst - Nov. 17th, 2003 01:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - professorbooty - Nov. 17th, 2003 07:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ... - izzerwurst - Nov. 17th, 2003 09:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:28 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:27 am (UTC) - Expand
... - professorbooty - Nov. 17th, 2003 08:05 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ... - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:33 am (UTC) - Expand
larksdream
Nov. 17th, 2003 03:45 pm (UTC)
a regime of inspirational post-it note messages designed to motivate me, something that sounds ridiculous and looks especially ridiculous to any outside visitor, but has worked in the past.

It sounds ridiculous, it looks even sillier, but yes, it WORKS! (I used to have a little note that said, "Good morning, sunshine!" in the bathroom, and it made me smile every single morning. Hey, that's worth something.)

And once again everything comes clear: the red flag (rag?) flies.

*g* I just have to mention, you really do make my day every month. Every time I think, "Hmm, I'll be enjoying my fertility that day" I get a grin out of it.
frecklefaerie
Nov. 17th, 2003 03:55 pm (UTC)
*g* I just have to mention, you really do make my day every month. Every time I think, "Hmm, I'll be enjoying my fertility that day" I get a grin out of it.

On the level that I understand this statement my gut reaction is, "Weird. Weird and kinda gross." Are you saying that you think of Kim when you get your period?
(no subject) - larksdream - Nov. 17th, 2003 04:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 06:02 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - frecklefaerie - Nov. 18th, 2003 08:16 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 08:21 am (UTC) - Expand
snidegrrl
Nov. 18th, 2003 05:36 am (UTC)
My post it notes when I was 20, home for the summer from college, said "Only you can make yourself happy". I had to see it every five minutes, or I would forget, and fall back into the idea that only he could make me happy. It worked. I mean, it took a while, but that is the summer where I think the seed was planted. Er, yeah, short version of that story.

I think it's great to think positively about one's menstruation! I get grumpy but it's still a beautiful thing to me. Have you read Inga Muscio's Cunt???
(no subject) - larksdream - Nov. 18th, 2003 07:29 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 07:36 am (UTC) - Expand
tzel
Nov. 17th, 2003 04:28 pm (UTC)
Bugs in da food
one word for you "Tupperwear"

snidegrrl
Nov. 17th, 2003 06:13 pm (UTC)
Re: Bugs in da food
but if they can get in my spice jars, how could they not get in tupperwear? this is where the psychological problems take hold. i don't even trust tupperware.
Re: Bugs in da food - tzel - Nov. 17th, 2003 06:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Bugs in da food - professorbooty - Nov. 17th, 2003 07:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Bugs in da food - cheetahmaster - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:33 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Bugs in da food - professorbooty - Nov. 17th, 2003 08:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Nov. 18th, 2003 05:41 am (UTC) - Expand
( 51 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

snidegrrl
keep it dark
Website

Latest Month

February 2009
S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Lilia Ahner