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vaguely surfacing, but still afraid something will pull me back down. things still are pulling me back down here and there. i've always likened depression to being under water. everything moves slower, and when you try to talk, nothing comes out that makes any sense, it's all garbled and quiet. i have been trying to tell Paranoia and Obsession to take a hike, they are not welcome here, but it has only worked so much. weird part about this all was a weirdly psychological allergy to livejournal. which i suppose tells me 1) how far i have drifted from an actual documentation of thoughts/events and 2) how scared i am of how people take me and what people have to say. fear is a big theme for me this week.

yeah, i've basically been terrified to talk to anyone. i can't take a "get over it" response. it's not that fucking simple and if i ever tell you it is you can haul off and punch me in the nose, ok? (i say this with the full knowledge that in the end, it is that simple for me however it might take a long time to get there.)

i decided to go to my 10 yr HS reunion but didn't send the RSVP yet, so who knows. those people didn't like me then, why would they bother now? probably because they are polite. and there might be some people there to talk to. and there might be interesting stories. or it could be an opportunity to network. yes. i should go.

got $129 in dry cleaning done. that is alot of dry cleaning. i forgot i HAD some of these clothes. how pretentious is having that much dry cleaning? OTOH, i expect my dad to post that that is mom's MONTHLY dry cleaning bill.

i still feel bad when i am left alone with my thoughts. stupid thoughts. i should go back to the sweet oblivion that is constant puzzle pirates.

blah blah hurricane blingety blah. i doubt that the night i get off of work (working from home... heh) will really make sense come saturday. but i don't want to drive in any crazy shit, either, so i'm happy to not go in.



( 35 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 18th, 2003 08:05 am (UTC)
damn. they forgot to give me the awful plaid faux fur poncho back at the dry cleaners and i just realized it. of course, the good news is that when i called them back the remembered which one it was RIGHT AWAY.
Sep. 18th, 2003 08:47 am (UTC)
If nothing else, people remember your clothing.

That, my friend, is impressive!!! ;)
Sep. 18th, 2003 08:45 am (UTC)
Oh, just GET OVER IT!
I hate when people tell other people that. It's so... mean. I hear you about the underwater experience - that's the closest comparison I've read yet.

So, in sum... *sending the good juju*
Sep. 19th, 2003 07:37 am (UTC)
Re: Oh, just GET OVER IT!
It's pretty funny because in recent times, I've been so willing to tell other people to just get over it.

Thanks :)
Don't worry... - ex_nostradom25 - Sep. 19th, 2003 07:55 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 18th, 2003 09:03 am (UTC)
In my book, you are allowed to have all the dry cleaning you want if it's vintagey or purchased from thrift stores. When you're up into hundreds of dollars worth of dry cleaning business clothes, well, I start to get a bit uncomfortable. But that's mostly because my internal image of my life differs sharply from the reality and for some ill-explored reason dry cleaning is a topic which brings this into the light of day.

Sometimes I wake up and realize - good god! I live in Northern Virginia! Aiee! Flee!

I hope the fear and thoughts get better.
Sep. 19th, 2003 07:39 am (UTC)
Honestly, most of the clothes are not business-ey, but more festive and pretty for going out type clothes. Wedding-type clothes. And some goofy shit I bought off Ebay. :)

Also it is only fair to clarify that this is 1.5 years' worth of built up dry cleaning that I had in a pile in the back of my closet.
Sep. 18th, 2003 09:09 am (UTC)
I suggest a new diet and a good councilor. After lots of cider and meat on a stick at the Renfest, of course.
Sep. 19th, 2003 07:40 am (UTC)
You are totally correct.
Sep. 18th, 2003 09:30 am (UTC)
Depression is really hard to live with... you know if you ever want to rant, feel free to email me.

Have you tried vitamin B or yoga or meditation for coping?
Sep. 19th, 2003 07:42 am (UTC)
I'm not even sure I would say I have clinical depression anymore; when I felt like this every day for six months, I did, but this is the first time in months and months. I did think to myself at the time that it would be easier to talk to someone I don't know all that well than someone who already has a bunch of preconceived notions about my damage... someday, I might take you up on that. But hopefully I won't need to. The offer exists in return!

Never tried vitamin B... but in a way I think I was meditating earlier this week even though it didn't have the traditional trappings.
(no subject) - crafting_change - Sep. 22nd, 2003 07:11 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 18th, 2003 09:43 am (UTC)
I know what you mean about being terrified. I have days/weeks where I just can't leave my bed. I'm incredibly scared to see people and slightly paranoid of what they'll think of me. I know its completely irrational, but it seems to make perfect sense at the time.

Saying "Get over it" has got to be the meanest thing you can say to someone when they're feeling that vulnerable. If you ever need a sympathetic hug or just someone to tell you how wonderful you are, lemme know. I'll give you a call and commiserate :)
Sep. 19th, 2003 07:48 am (UTC)
my fear times used to last alot longer... but in this case it was not general but a specific kind of fear which grew into a general fear of talking to people because i knew i would start talking about the specific thing and i knew sort of consciously that i was still being retarded about it. i'm pretty bad about being obsessed with what people think of me in normal times let alone when i'm down about something... heh.

honestly, when i am okay, it seems so simple. it seems like "get over it" is just what i did, hey look, i just got over it! if only i had known that three days ago, that i could have just got over it! in fact that's why this only happens once every few months and not on a daily basis. but when i have crossed the "line"... forget it. i don't know the meaning of the words "get over it". i think in a way my self-imposed isolation is because i knew hugs weren't going to do it; i was just waiting to be ready to "get over it". you know? but thank you so much nonetheless. :)
Sep. 18th, 2003 10:11 am (UTC)
::Hugs:: Kim is a babe!

I had to run teh geh-to walmart yesterday for a few random things, including a plunger. I danced around the store to the piped in oldies(I'm alone, mind you!) with a plunger over my shoulder. I got a lot of strange looks and scowls, and there was little doubt of what *they* thought of me. But I got to thinking, I guess I really owe my complete lack of interest in what people think of me (let me add the caveat that there are a very few people who I do occasionally care what they think of me, mostly strong women and hottie guys) to having little-to-no friends in grade school through high school and the constant daily teasing I received therein. Of course, a complete lack of interest in what strangers think of me probably makes it more likely that strangers think I'm insane... so I don't know if it's a good thing. I'd just rather babble on your journal than study! ::hugsX2::
Sep. 18th, 2003 11:24 am (UTC)
I danced around the store to the piped in oldies(I'm alone, mind you!) with a plunger over my shoulder. I got a lot of strange looks and scowls

How sad for them. Well, I would have smiled at you and thought you were very cool, while wishing I was brave enough to do that. :-)
(no subject) - zenthia - Sep. 18th, 2003 11:42 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snidegrrl - Sep. 19th, 2003 07:49 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 18th, 2003 10:24 am (UTC)
I think you should go to the reunion. I'm gonna go next year. Yeah, there were snobs, but I always figured that ten years of "the real world" would give a lot of them perspective.

Rich and I send wet and windy hugs your way. :)
Sep. 19th, 2003 07:50 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'm almost definately going to go. The ONLY bad thing that could happen is that I feel a little crummy that no one I actually socialized with at the time is there or that the snobs are still snobs. And really, that's not that bad.

Hugs back to you guys!
Sep. 18th, 2003 11:25 am (UTC)
yeah, i've basically been terrified to talk to anyone. i can't take a "get over it" response. it's not that fucking simple and if i ever tell you it is you can haul off and punch me in the nose, ok?

actually, i will tell you "get the fuck over it" _and_ that it is "really that fucking simple". i will say this because i've been through many self destructive deabilitating depths of horrific stagnation, emptiness and angst.

then i found the "cure".

_if_ you can stick to it. it is so damn simple.

diet, exercise, vitamins and purpose. something so simple as cutting out processed sugar and caffine from your diet can do wonders for your mentality and emotions.

i'll offer further specifics if you are interested. the only reason i say things so harshly is because you are calling it "depression" not calling it a "slump" or "just feeling sad today"... plus i'm not much of a "oh i'm so sorry honey *hugs*" kind of girl. never felt that sort of reaction accomplished anything at all.

Sep. 19th, 2003 07:55 am (UTC)
you don't deserve a punch in the nose for this response, to be sure.

but i should clarify; i think i only called it depression because i knew it was an irrationally extreme ("crazy") reaction to one event... and depression isn't really the right word for that. if i stayed in that coccoon for more than a week, maybe.

you couldn't be more right about diet and exercise. something i have needed to get a regular regimen of for 20 years.

i think the "hugs" reactions do serve a purpose for me, but not until i'm ready to be helped. i first have to help myself. it is this advice that i usually give to someone who is telling me they are depressed. when i really *was* despressed, years ago in college, i learned only one thing about it; that i was the only person that could solve it for myself. nothing anyone else could say or do was going to ultimately stop me from being negative.
Purpose - snidegrrl - Sep. 22nd, 2003 04:18 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 18th, 2003 11:35 am (UTC)
Re: reunion
Sure, they were lame back then, but maybe a couple of them got cool in the intervening years. And then it's like meeting new cool people!
Sep. 18th, 2003 11:44 am (UTC)
Re: reunion
Maybe, but unlikely. There is only so much coolness that is statistically likely to exist in any small population, and I think K-dawg got most of the cool allotted to her class....
Re: reunion - snidegrrl - Sep. 19th, 2003 07:56 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: reunion - zenthia - Sep. 19th, 2003 11:22 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: reunion - snidegrrl - Sep. 19th, 2003 07:55 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 18th, 2003 11:36 am (UTC)
i can't take a "get over it" response.

"Oh, 'get over it'. Now why didn't I think of that? Thank you! It's all so clear now that you explain it!"


Well, anyway. I send you virtual tea of sympathy and comfort. (It is a special brew, warmer and more soothing than reali-tea.)
Sep. 18th, 2003 01:40 pm (UTC)
sometimes when I really think I'm flaking out someone I respect will come along and, in one way or another, tell me how awesome I am. sometimes we all need a little reassurance from other people - the trick is not to depend on it too much! I just have to learn that trick, and I'll be good.

but really, my point was that people who truly appreciate you will see you through the bad times and still respect who you are.

or something. hi, I'm heather and I tend to ramble.

Sep. 19th, 2003 07:59 am (UTC)
hi heather... did you find me through somebodies?? i keep wondering if i will get used on there.

(no subject) - bitchiekittie - Sep. 19th, 2003 08:53 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 18th, 2003 02:52 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you have a lot of friend out there supporting you, but here are my two cents:

Go to bed and dream of a straight-verson of Ted.

(you know Kyan is my fave, but I know how cute you think Ted is!)

It may not make you want to get out of bed or interact talk to anyone, but it will put a smile on your face, I'm sure!

Seriously, though, I've done the depression thing myself, and I'm sure anything I type is just going to sound stupid to you, whether I'm trying to be goofy and make you smile or whether I'm trying to be serious...
Sep. 18th, 2003 03:07 pm (UTC)
You know my suggestion. And I'm also here, really damn close at that, if you need me.

Come over for the hurricaine party if you'd like!
Sep. 19th, 2003 07:58 am (UTC)
i do, and i should stop fucking around and find the right one. i will probably keep fucking around though. sadly, i don't think any friends could have helped me this week. not that this is all over mind you.

thanks for the hurricane party invite! we ended up holing up here. :)
( 35 comments — Leave a comment )


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