keep it dark (snidegrrl) wrote,
keep it dark

  • Mood:
inbox down to 24 messages... i don't know why i can't just take care of all of them.

i didn't get much done today that is useful. i am starting to have that feeling of guilt that i am wasting my life away in idle pursuits. the power went out and i did read some by booklight, but even this couldn't hold my attention. all i wanted to do was eat and play diablo, and even that was unsatisfying.

i was thinking today about jack's troubles with time. his feeling (which i share) that often there is simply not enough time to do everything, that often the thing you want to be doing is interrupted by something else you want to be doing, and there seems to not be a natural flow. i am thinking that this may be because the things that we dedicate our time to are things that have no natural endpoint, or the fact that we are loathe to give an artificial endpoint to these things. is it that we must dedicate our time to things that have endings? how are our priorities decided? what is the relation between priorities and worth, and how is worth determined? i wonder in jack's case if he is actually removing endpoints or pauses from things that are naturally there, because he is strangely averse to endings, or just philosophically opposed to anything that impinges on his free will. i would have said all this to him but i didn't talk to him today - which is a whole other ball of wax which i continue to blame more and more on my schedule, which in turn puts more and more pressure on my desire to cohabitate. which is quite the ball of wax, indeed. quite.

my room is a mess; projects remain unfinished, unconsidered. the only thing in my life moving forward is my reading of the book club book. it would behoove me to sign up for the CCNA test before the end of the month. i lack the motivation to move anything forward because i am so damn content, which is not a complaint. sort of.

lots of thoughts about what LJ means to me. can't seem to differentiate between representing myself on LJ and representing myself - since i don't want any more drama in my life, maybe i've become passionless and dull, i think to myself. no one wants to hear about someone passionless and dull... no one wants to hear about someone making a dramatic bloody mess all the time! (i know, shades of gray) but the fact remains - i still ain't gonna talk about my sex life on LJ! but tonight i made a decision to let the words fall out - when i started this (journaling, diaryland, etc) i said i was gonna be balls-out. so to speak. the other fact remains: i don't write unless i think i have an audience. there has never been, and probably never will be, a strictly private record of my life's events and thoughts. one thing i can say for sure: LJ has made graveyard shift bearable. i can pretend i am in a daylit room filled with people, in a way. how long will this go on? [ironically, i just lifted half this entry and made it private. hah.]
Tags: introspection, jack, meta
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