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inbox down to 24 messages... i don't know why i can't just take care of all of them.

i didn't get much done today that is useful. i am starting to have that feeling of guilt that i am wasting my life away in idle pursuits. the power went out and i did read some by booklight, but even this couldn't hold my attention. all i wanted to do was eat and play diablo, and even that was unsatisfying.

i was thinking today about jack's troubles with time. his feeling (which i share) that often there is simply not enough time to do everything, that often the thing you want to be doing is interrupted by something else you want to be doing, and there seems to not be a natural flow. i am thinking that this may be because the things that we dedicate our time to are things that have no natural endpoint, or the fact that we are loathe to give an artificial endpoint to these things. is it that we must dedicate our time to things that have endings? how are our priorities decided? what is the relation between priorities and worth, and how is worth determined? i wonder in jack's case if he is actually removing endpoints or pauses from things that are naturally there, because he is strangely averse to endings, or just philosophically opposed to anything that impinges on his free will. i would have said all this to him but i didn't talk to him today - which is a whole other ball of wax which i continue to blame more and more on my schedule, which in turn puts more and more pressure on my desire to cohabitate. which is quite the ball of wax, indeed. quite.

my room is a mess; projects remain unfinished, unconsidered. the only thing in my life moving forward is my reading of the book club book. it would behoove me to sign up for the CCNA test before the end of the month. i lack the motivation to move anything forward because i am so damn content, which is not a complaint. sort of.

lots of thoughts about what LJ means to me. can't seem to differentiate between representing myself on LJ and representing myself - since i don't want any more drama in my life, maybe i've become passionless and dull, i think to myself. no one wants to hear about someone passionless and dull... no one wants to hear about someone making a dramatic bloody mess all the time! (i know, shades of gray) but the fact remains - i still ain't gonna talk about my sex life on LJ! but tonight i made a decision to let the words fall out - when i started this (journaling, diaryland, etc) i said i was gonna be balls-out. so to speak. the other fact remains: i don't write unless i think i have an audience. there has never been, and probably never will be, a strictly private record of my life's events and thoughts. one thing i can say for sure: LJ has made graveyard shift bearable. i can pretend i am in a daylit room filled with people, in a way. how long will this go on? [ironically, i just lifted half this entry and made it private. hah.]


( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 4th, 2003 03:10 am (UTC)
ladies in the house put your hands up, if you want the fellas in the house to take their balls out.

fellas in the house, put your hands up, if you want the ladies in the house to take their balls out.
Sep. 4th, 2003 03:41 am (UTC)
rock on! i signed up to take the CCNA and committed the money. now, to uh, study or something. i tried to sign up to take it at necrocannibal's place of business, but maybe they are not administering anymore.
Sep. 4th, 2003 04:20 am (UTC)
sweet! good luck :)
Sep. 4th, 2003 04:35 am (UTC)
thanks - i only should have signed up for this three years ago... and i could still fail, so we'll see. if i fail then i will have to learn new material so i better not.
Sep. 4th, 2003 01:33 pm (UTC)
GOOD LUCK, YOU WILL NEED IT -- I need to take mine -- I know all the skills, but I need to take it, but ya good luck, since it is an evil test and if you get one question wrong, they test u over and over on the same subject, its so evil, so make sure u know ur stuff.
Sep. 4th, 2003 05:49 am (UTC)
Woo hoo! Good luck with it!
Sep. 4th, 2003 04:20 am (UTC)
As far as I am concerned, I am glad that your LJ entries remind me that I have very cool friends out there, even if I see some of them only rarely.
Sep. 6th, 2003 09:22 am (UTC)
you have more cool friends than anyone i know!!! ;)
Sep. 4th, 2003 04:24 am (UTC)
I think people like to read about drama when it's told well. I certainly keep my med-school gal friends in fits of laughter and tears with some of my exploits. Though I guess anything is entertaining when the alternative is glycolitic pathways!

But certainly LJs that are all "Aaah, me this! Me that!" get old.
Sep. 6th, 2003 09:23 am (UTC)
Past exploits are one thing - but I don't want to live like that anymore! Honestly, the trials of med school is on a par with what I find electrifying to read about in a livejournal, because it echoes my own stalled ambitions.
Sep. 6th, 2003 10:32 am (UTC)
Haha. What about the personal trials of a med student?

The current trials of med school involve the glucagon---> cAMP activation of protein kinase which phosphorylates glycogen phosphorylase kinase and glycogen sythetase (but in the case of synthetase phosphorylation turns it off, but in phosphorylase kinase phosphorylation turns on) then the phosphorylase kinase phosphorylates the glycogen phosphorylase which then transfers glycogen to glucose-1-phosphate and then, depending on whether you're in the muscle or in the liver it goes into glycolysis or into the bloodstream respectively. And since the synthetase is phosphorylated and thus inactive, it's not transfering glucose into glycogen. Which really sounds pretty simple, except that even without protein kinase, calcium can phosphorylate the phosphorylase kinase or AMP can phosphorylate the phosphorylase. And in the presence of insulin you have protein phosphatase 2 that takes the phosphate off the inhibitor of protein phosphatase 1, allowing to go free and remove the phosphates from both glycogen synthetase and glycogen phosphatase.

And if you follow any of that, you're a far smarter woman than me. It's things like gluconeogenesis which make me take to drinkin' and manenizing. God damn, all those things up there have the same words in their names! I'm going to go insane!
Sep. 4th, 2003 06:18 am (UTC)
Lj should make you feel better, let you order your thoughts, express yourself, whatever. If other people read it, well great, if not, screw em. It's for you, not them, anyway.
Sep. 6th, 2003 09:24 am (UTC)
It's for you, not them, anyway.

I usually try to think that but you know me - always worried more about what other people think. Heh.
Sep. 4th, 2003 06:37 am (UTC)
I use LJ to help express myself, sort my thoughts and learn from others. I know, I know its cliché’, even still LJ is therapeutic for me. I don't talk about my sex life in LJ either. I'm very open in person ( If someone asks) but in LJ? Forget it!

Hey, have you ever considered you may be ADD? A lot of your gripes sound like a typical ADD rant. Of course, could be just because you are on nights
Sep. 6th, 2003 09:25 am (UTC)
I dunno, I don't wanna think that I'm ADD because I'd be worried I was using it as a cop-out.
Sep. 7th, 2003 11:15 am (UTC)
I can understand that. I don't think I use ADD as a cope out, but the temptation is there. On the other hand after being diagnosed, I have learned to cope with my own for of chaos a lot better.
Sep. 4th, 2003 10:16 am (UTC)
Kim! You have inspired me to clean out my inbox! 483 messages down from 2752!
Sep. 6th, 2003 09:26 am (UTC)
holy crap! that's alot of email.
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )


keep it dark

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