i felt really young the past two days. there are all these visiting engineers hanging around work from nortel and they are all clearly in the range of ten years or more older than me. some clearly have no respect for me because of that obvious gap and the fact that i'm female, some seem not to care. i feel like i have performed relatively well under the scrutiny of managers and the pressures of maintenance the past day... it feels good. i only hope i can keep it up. i had another nightmare about the national academy of sciences the other night, the job where i really performed poorly, right out of college, and disappointed just about everyone i came into contact with. i have been starting to feel this job going in that direction; where i have no interest or drive in what i'm doing, and i just don't do things that i need to do. i've already determined that i'm ridiculously behind and stupid about technical things i ABSOLUTELY should know by now, but the... indifference... that was a new development. i keep telling myself i have time, but that's bullshit. i'm not simply "catching up" over time. i'm slacking and i should know things by now. just, given the choice to read a technical manual or write this entry, well, you can see what i'm doing.
this is why i should write a timeline. i should take inventory of where i have been, so i don't go there again. in a way, i've been doing that; i started crawling through old papers the other day, in the interest of chucking out anything that's not important anymore. it's somewhat educational, although i haven't followed through with it. it requires facing old debts and old promises broken.
i can say one thing, though... 2002 feels like a completely new life.