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stupid dreams

so, when i went to see gosford park last weekend, i had this crazy fantasy that i could go live in england someday. i would have a cute little apartment with hardwood floors and tall ceilings and just read my books and drive around the countryside and indulge in various hobbies. but see, i don't have anything that england wants. does anyone know what england wants? if i work on getting it, maybe i can go there someday. i have heard of a person here or there that has had enough skills to get jobs in faraway places but i'm certainly not one of them. then there's my parents, and a few others i couldn't leave... (in my fantasy, they come with me, though) but really, i should be smart enough to know that life isn't any different or more special on another continent. i should be. ehn, it's a dumb fantasy, but who knows. it's interesting to think about. :) i'm sure i'd never have enough money to move to england. and again, i don't think they want any newcomers.

i felt really young the past two days. there are all these visiting engineers hanging around work from nortel and they are all clearly in the range of ten years or more older than me. some clearly have no respect for me because of that obvious gap and the fact that i'm female, some seem not to care. i feel like i have performed relatively well under the scrutiny of managers and the pressures of maintenance the past day... it feels good. i only hope i can keep it up. i had another nightmare about the national academy of sciences the other night, the job where i really performed poorly, right out of college, and disappointed just about everyone i came into contact with. i have been starting to feel this job going in that direction; where i have no interest or drive in what i'm doing, and i just don't do things that i need to do. i've already determined that i'm ridiculously behind and stupid about technical things i ABSOLUTELY should know by now, but the... indifference... that was a new development. i keep telling myself i have time, but that's bullshit. i'm not simply "catching up" over time. i'm slacking and i should know things by now. just, given the choice to read a technical manual or write this entry, well, you can see what i'm doing.

this is why i should write a timeline. i should take inventory of where i have been, so i don't go there again. in a way, i've been doing that; i started crawling through old papers the other day, in the interest of chucking out anything that's not important anymore. it's somewhat educational, although i haven't followed through with it. it requires facing old debts and old promises broken.

i can say one thing, though... 2002 feels like a completely new life.


( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 25th, 2002 04:39 am (UTC)
i can say one thing, though... 2002 feels like a completely new life

Excellent! I wish you luck with it. *Smile*

This may be TMI - delete at your discretion. Regarding your previous post, I am not sure what exactly is the struggle between your ideals of beauty and the composite mainstream, but I have always known you to be attractive. I do understand in part - my Lady K and at least one of my closest friends still think of me as fat despite losing 40 lb (and I am medically overweight), and it rankles at times that they do not consider me physically attractive; but then a large part of my what attractiveness I hold rests in my charisma more than my flesh.
Feb. 25th, 2002 05:06 am (UTC)
some explanation?
your post offends me not at all.

i think i am just... enraged... i am enraged that it seems like western culture and ideals of beauty are designed, targeted to make any small imperfection a turn-off... not sexy, or not attractive. if someone has body hair, if they carry more weight WHERE PEOPLE NATURALLY CARRY WEIGHT, if their breasts are too small, too large... see, i know that it varies from person to person, and everyone has their own triggers, but the fact that we have these triggers... what can be done? i have never, ever thought of you as fat. that just boggles my mind. it makes me so angry that... argh! i can't even express myself. like, one thing i've heard so much is women grousing about men and their body hair. "ew, back hair, wah wah". like they couldn't imagine loving or being with some guy with hair on their back. to me this is utterly ludicrous. where does this ridiculous trigger come from???????
Feb. 25th, 2002 05:21 am (UTC)
Re: some explanation?
I trace a lot of it back to our crazed global media culture, but then again, I trace *a lot* of things back to our crazed global media culture. I swear, some times, I hope my friends tell me when I cross the line from "self-aware modern consumer" to "full-fledged conspiracy theorist."

But back on topic, fashions come and go, but remember that they are handed down from designers to magazines, to TV shows and to the rest of us. When people get their hair cut, they point to pictures in magazines of actors and actresses from only the most popular TV programs.

And, uh, yeah.
Feb. 25th, 2002 05:37 am (UTC)
Re: some explanation?
you trust your friends to tell you when you've crossed the line?


but seriously... i know what some people will say to my thoughts... that it's biological, people are looking for the optimum mating potential or some crap. but i say, where do you get your ideas of what, aesthetically, passes for healthiest/best mating potential? frankly i think it's ridiculously simple to say it's hard wired. you LEARN it from being TAUGHT it from the time you are born. (which is also, kind of, ridiculously simple to say, but i'm not up to saying it in a complicated and defensible way right now... sigh)
Feb. 25th, 2002 08:41 am (UTC)
Re: some explanation?
Just so you know, dude, you crossed the line in about '92 or '93.

But seriously now...

I'm not sure what to say here. I think that it's true that a lot of this stuff is formed by mass media modeling, but it's (to a degree) a chicken/egg thing. The media/advertisers want to put out what sells. People buy it. Media/ad types conduct surveys to figure out what people want, and put it out there. But how much of what people want comes from the media/ads in the first place?

Secretly I think a lot of it has to do with (a) the age at which you become a "consumer" (and have to deal with a deluge of marketing, etc. - recall FFN where children have really only become a viable market sector since, oh, the '70s or so, right when we were growing up) and with (b) your family environment. I watched TV completely nondiscriminately as a child. My parents didn't make me watch PBS or anything else "child-safe." I watched "CHiPs" and "Magnum PI" and lots of other shows where gun-carrying was the default, there were tons of skinny blond women, etc. But I dodged the self-esteem bullet....for the most part.

I think poor self-esteem is unfortunately part of the path of self-knowledge. If we have it, we should (ideally) figure out why. And then maybe change stuff.

Personally I have a self-defeating feedback loop, or I did for a long time; I'd think like this: "I should probably lose some weight. Yeah, 'cause for one thing, more guys would like me. Ugh, then I'd be besieged by idiots. Oh, and hey! Why the hell SHOULD I do this just to impress people? Fooey on that! Pass the chips!"

I had to figure out why to do it, for ME, not for anyone else.

I am no longer sure where this fits into the media. I just think it has something to do with who you are. The media doesn't affect everyone the same way. Sweeping generalizations almost never work, unfortunately.

And, completely off topic, I had a fantastic weekend. Except for the part where I did my taxes. Everything else = dandy.
Feb. 26th, 2002 02:20 am (UTC)
Re: some explanation?
i'm not sure i have a response to this, but i can say as an aside that you're one of the most together, confident people i know.
Feb. 26th, 2002 10:46 am (UTC)
Re: some explanation?
Yay me!

Thank you, that is very kind and I appreciate it.

Off for a phone interview!
Feb. 25th, 2002 05:35 am (UTC)
Re: some explanation?
I know what you mean. Lady K, who is slender as a sylph, carries a terrible self-image because she worries that she is not as endowed as most. It drives her to tears regularly. As for me, based on past experience I would be turned off if a person were too 'prettily plastic' - I want to know that my partner is as human as I.

I'd say that it's partly our media. Lady K and I used to note that we could tell the difference between Americanand Canadian actors in Canadian films - the Canadian actords looked like real people.
Feb. 25th, 2002 06:20 am (UTC)
Re: some explanation?
it makes me sad... and angry... that people end up feeling this way. i've heard the song too many times to think that there's nothing to my anger.

i have been told that it is a person's choice to let these things get to them... to be the victim of these circumstances, people's perceptions and ideals... the media... to let that make someone feel bad. i just... i do think people are victims of it. i think that people are under the power of something they can't control. they can control it to a certain extent, but are still surrounded by a bunch of free-willed people who are choosing to subscribe to the ideals and make judgements about other people based on them.

and it makes. me. angry.
Feb. 25th, 2002 08:11 am (UTC)
It's not quite England, but...
Dunno if you know, but Ireland is turning into a very hot technical job market - I may not know what England wants, but if Ireland is a close enough substitution, the answer is Tech Skills.

Now, admittedly, that plays to the other portion of your post, the concern that you're not learnign this stuff, and I'm going to go out on a limb and infer it's because you have no reason to give a shit. Ennui is becoming the status quo for a lot of the industry, and as the technical world starts lookinglike the rest of the world, what you know matter less and less compared to other corporate drone assets.

Amazing what happens when one strips away motivation.

So I throw the Ireland thingout there with that in mind. Perhaps this is just a passing thought on your part, in which case, this is just so much noise. Still, if it's not, I hold it up as a reason to pursue these things.

I dunno. Personally, I am a gigantic slacker, unless I'm interested in something. WHen I was in Highschool, Attention Defeceit Disorder was becoming all the rage, and as I was one of those smart kids who didn't pay attention to class, the specter was raised. MY father pointed out that he had seen me keep focus quite consistently when I was actually doing something I was interested in (Say, writing, Gaming, Political foo, Stuff like that), so, no convenient exscuse for me. :)

It was an interesting point to learn about myself and one I've used as a bit of a lens looking at people. One key conclusion that's come of it is that deciding that one should learn something is only so much impetus unless they really want to learn it, either pecause it's fun, or because they need it for something Specific they want.

ANyway, I'm rambling - curse of posting as I wake up - but it comes down to a question: Why do you want to learn this shit?

Feb. 26th, 2002 02:31 am (UTC)
Re: It's not quite England, but...
It's a passing thought, but not a passing thought. Thanks for the idea... who knows what will happen. I do know I can't go anywhere right now, I'm in no position and I have too many close ties here. In regards to my employability in the industry, you're right. I must have little motivation in the direction of this IP stuff, or else I would be alot further along now.

My problem has always been that I can't concentrate on something for more than a brief period of time; I get into a passionate frenzy about one thing, look into it alot, and then forget it and move on to the next passing fancy. It's a trend that REALLY bothers me. I don't know if I simply haven't found the thing that I am passionately into for the rest of my life, or if this is a trend indicative of a permanent condition.

At any rate, I like your rambling.
Feb. 25th, 2002 09:03 am (UTC)
Ooooh Ireland!
I'll move there with you! I'm sure they don't have a huge rush on American Literature teachers, but I can be so quaint.
Feb. 25th, 2002 01:52 pm (UTC)
Re: Ooooh Ireland!
Don't forget, Kim, that your Gigantic Multi Mega Corp employer has a Dublin office. =)

Not that you would necessarily want to do that. Just that it's, you know, right there.

Ireland was encouraging people of Irish descent to move back for a while, and they might still be. I think I'm one generation too far away to qualify for the moving perks though. Alas.
Feb. 26th, 2002 02:35 am (UTC)
Re: Ooooh Ireland!
I totally forgot about the Dublin office. I bet you have to be really special to get to go there though.

Also, I think it would be really difficult to find irish ancestry among my dad's cattle rustlin' and "entertainer" predecessors. sigh!
Feb. 26th, 2002 02:33 am (UTC)
Re: Ooooh Ireland!
dude, let's go. um... next year... when i can afford it... oh wait, that probably won't be next year either.

besides, as you say... i'm not sure quaintness will qualify us!
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )