February 25th, 2002

Ideal

Main Entry: 1ide·al
Pronunciation: I-'dE(-&)l, 'I-"
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English ydeall, from Late Latin idealis, from Latin idea
Date: 15th century
1 : existing as an archetypal idea
2 a : existing as a mental image or in fancy or imagination only; broadly : lacking practicality b : relating to or constituting mental images, ideas , or conceptions
3 a : of, relating to, or embodying an ideal b : conforming exactly to an ideal, law, or standard : PERFECT -- compare REAL 2b(3)
4 : of or relating to philosophical idealism


So I was thinking, all the time I fight against what I feel are society's ideals for beauty. But I have my own ideals about what is beautiful, and they are pretty specific. I mean, that is what the word determines, right? So am I fighting to change the ideals? Or am I fighting to destroy them completely, so that there is no ideal? And only real? Is destroying ideals even a good thing to do? Or wait, maybe it's that I just want people to be aware that the ideal is the ideal, and that real people aren't like that, so fucking stop getting boob jobs and be happy with how you are... ok, alright, maybe I'm just too stringent about my feelings to leave it go at that. Fuck the ideal! Bring on the real!

stupid dreams

so, when i went to see gosford park last weekend, i had this crazy fantasy that i could go live in england someday. i would have a cute little apartment with hardwood floors and tall ceilings and just read my books and drive around the countryside and indulge in various hobbies. but see, i don't have anything that england wants. does anyone know what england wants? if i work on getting it, maybe i can go there someday. i have heard of a person here or there that has had enough skills to get jobs in faraway places but i'm certainly not one of them. then there's my parents, and a few others i couldn't leave... (in my fantasy, they come with me, though) but really, i should be smart enough to know that life isn't any different or more special on another continent. i should be. ehn, it's a dumb fantasy, but who knows. it's interesting to think about. :) i'm sure i'd never have enough money to move to england. and again, i don't think they want any newcomers.

i felt really young the past two days. there are all these visiting engineers hanging around work from nortel and they are all clearly in the range of ten years or more older than me. some clearly have no respect for me because of that obvious gap and the fact that i'm female, some seem not to care. i feel like i have performed relatively well under the scrutiny of managers and the pressures of maintenance the past day... it feels good. i only hope i can keep it up. i had another nightmare about the national academy of sciences the other night, the job where i really performed poorly, right out of college, and disappointed just about everyone i came into contact with. i have been starting to feel this job going in that direction; where i have no interest or drive in what i'm doing, and i just don't do things that i need to do. i've already determined that i'm ridiculously behind and stupid about technical things i ABSOLUTELY should know by now, but the... indifference... that was a new development. i keep telling myself i have time, but that's bullshit. i'm not simply "catching up" over time. i'm slacking and i should know things by now. just, given the choice to read a technical manual or write this entry, well, you can see what i'm doing.

this is why i should write a timeline. i should take inventory of where i have been, so i don't go there again. in a way, i've been doing that; i started crawling through old papers the other day, in the interest of chucking out anything that's not important anymore. it's somewhat educational, although i haven't followed through with it. it requires facing old debts and old promises broken.

i can say one thing, though... 2002 feels like a completely new life.