keep it dark (snidegrrl) wrote,
keep it dark

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(rare) happy moment?

I feel good. I had to back out of a social engagement tonight, but in exchange I got some late sleep I think I needed. I ended up not waking up until 8pm (I don't like to do that; I feel sometimes I miss the best part of the evening.) but then I made myself some spaghetti and had Jack come help me eat this improvised spaghetti. I forced him to watch the HGTV 70s design special despite the fact that I was also taping it. For some reason just that little window of time put me in a terrific mood, and I was singing to myself all the way to work. I can never remember all the words to "Morning has Broken".

This morning on the way home from work, I brought to mind a hat I lost on the bus in the winter of 1998/9. It was a green winter hat, cotton, with an applique of Mickey Mouse on the folded-over part. I loved that hat for some reason, and I was so devastated by its loss that I called the bus lost and found for several days hoping it would show up. It was one of the worst winters I had, when I was constantly on a shaky foundation, I hated my job, and was therefore not doing it and getting myself in a great deal of trouble. I don't know why losing this hat was such a devastating experience that I remember how I felt in lurid detail today, but I guess it's akin to how I feel about the jacket. Anyways, tonight I got out the hat I replaced that one with; it's brown and has Taz on it. Rob used to joke me about the "Tazhat". In a mean but loving way, and I can still remember his intonation like he was here saying it to me now. Everything was so hard then. I spent all my money and missed my rent alot. I was taking the bus/metro/shuttle route to work where I was sitting around doing LARP-related things all day and not doing any of the things I was supposed to be doing, and constantly feeling the oppressive disapproval of those around me knowing only that it was my own fault. That Olds Calais was giving me trouble all the time and hell, I didn't even own it. I couldn't pay for the insurance, or the repairs to it. If I ever want to understand myself and really be solid, I'm going to have to understand that winter.

Well I started the hour perky, but I'm waning fast. Drat. I'd better go not be like I used to be and create this change ticket!!!!
Tags: nostalgia, rob, stuff
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