keep it dark (snidegrrl) wrote,
keep it dark

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ugh, crap night at work

it's been very busy at work. not so much fun busy, just drudgery. and for some reason despite a full day's sleep my eyes are closing. but that's nothing new.

i am going to start calling the beltway the dance of death.

i exited the dance of death early this morning for the sake of my own sanity and somehow found myself in front of the CDepot. i left with only a few meager things for a small price. first - esthero. i don't know where it comes from or why, but i really like it. second - smart went crazy. it's something steph turned me on to. third - the newest damned album, in anticipation of their tour. it kind of... well, it might grow on me. fourth - metallica, load. i would never have bought this (on cassette, the first time) except i saw them live on the load tour (oh my god, 6 years ago???) because my friend jeff had an extra ticket. after hearing the songs live my attitude changed. would you believe that's the first time someone offered me a joint? and i mean, i had a somewhat long history of going to shows at that point. weird.

so i got to sleep respectably early but woke up right at 8, realizing it was going to be Buffy OR crafts. it ended up being crafts, and jack and i tried to see each other by virtue of him stopping by craft night, but it wasn't five minutes he was there when ikirus called needing a ride, and jack being the sweet guy he is he went to lend a hand. i did get some help with my sock so that my independent knitting can continue.

my streak of getting to work on time now stretches to a full three days. and i don't have to come back tonight because, sigh, i was asked to come in on saturday. this is ass. but such is life.

this morning on the radio i heard the pearl jam song...

talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know...
she tells herself, oh...
memories back when she was bold and strong
and waiting for the world to come along...
swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone
she lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
she dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
she lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man...
she dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...

and i was thinking about it... people make a big deal out of settling. people make alot of noise about love and passion and everything being perfect. i don't know if eddie vedder wrote this song with a really big loser who like, beat this girl in mind, but i think he's talking about this girl being like, well, he's nice enough and vaguely responsible, and i'm not going to find the passionate-love-roller-coaster-thingy i have dreamed of since the prince kissed sleeping beauty on the movie screen when i was a kid. and i get a little riled, and i think i get what the song is talking about. does *anyone* have a perfect relationship? where does the word "settling" come into play? what kind of asinine concept is this? do people actually look at everything as second prize, always wondering? i know alot of people who have a hard time fully commiting to one thing because maybe it lacks the luster of their daydreams. and i mean, i'm not even trying to say this is just a "better man" thing, it obviously turns out to be a "better woman" thing too, as anyone who's ever heard their buddy (or boyfriend, god forbid) say "she's great, but i don't know if i can ask her to marry me/move in/spend the rest of my life with her" can attest. as far as i can tell from what my parents have oh so vaguely told me, my mom didn't know that my dad was her dream guy until they'd already been married a while. i'm being jumbled about this, but i really like this song and it always makes me think about myself in the past (no one jump to any conclusions that i think i'm "settling" in my current situation!!) and alot of friends over time. and i really want to know how the song came about. and i wonder how many people lie to themselves. i guess i should clarify, i'm not talking about situations where people stay with people who make them unhappy, i'm talking about people staying together even though every day isn't a total joyous thrill. which i am guessing is EVERYONE. if every day is a total joyous thrill because of this person (fucking dido i want to thank you for making this the best day of my life rar) you're with, then good!! i am happy for you.

update: a walk to the parking meter cleared my head. i think what i'm saying is that is seems like people do alot of counting out of perfectly wonderful people thinking that they're not good enough, when really, they are. or something. ugh, never mind, it's not clear at all. well, not everything i put on my journal can be a perfectly formed thought.

you know, i think the deal here is that i listen to too much pop music. anyways, i don't expect any personal comments about settling, but feel free to share if you want to. i more expect comments if you're a huge pearl jam fan and know why the song above was written, or think i'm totally off base and think it's somehow not about settling at all. :) someday i'll look back at this rant and be embarrassed. maybe tomorrow. maybe now. but i'll post it anyways.

mmmm. scone-tastic. i have mocha and maple-oat-nut scone. and a second wind.
Tags: music, relationships
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