I went rock climbing on sunday with zenthia, mpeg2tom, Carla, and Jack. Although, calling it that is a bit misleading; it's wall climbing, with the assistance of ropes and plastic doodads screwed into said wall. The place is called Earth Treks. I woke up in a cold sweat several hours early, and told Jack as much. I explained to him that basically I was having classic gym class fears; I'm going to have to climb the baby walls and everyone's going to laugh at me. And let's not even get into the body image issues. You KNOW rock climber types are all svelte tiny wiry people. The facts of the matter turned out: Yes, I had to climb the baby walls. No one laughed at me out loud. Body image issues disappeared because I was way too busy FREAKING OUT due to a possibly genetically inherited fear of heigts. Yes I know that there's someone belaying. Yes I know the auto-belay has gently laid thousands of people back down on the floor sans injury. That doesn't stop me from bursting into paniced tears when I'm 30 feet in the air and look down. I don't even think I got 30 feet up. I did climb to the top of the baby walls; not without bursting into tears both times though. Strangely enough, I want to go back, because it was a really good workout and even if people were laughing at me they were polite enough to do it inwardly. This is something I am willing to be uncompetitive about because it's clear I'm not going to be that great at it. Also: short arms and legs. Not so helpful.

Last night I had a dream that I couldn't find Jack's cereal at the grocery store. And the grocery store was the approximate size and shape of a home depot. judithiscariot was trying to help me. Then I dreamed I gleeked on someone and they were mad. I was sad to wake up to discover, no, I still can't do it.

Ooops I gotta run!

class tonight was hard. and scary. but so far, i can at least say that i have ridden a motorcycle. i am proud of that much. if i fuck up tomorrow and just quit, i'll have to delete this entry...

the fact is i am petrified of tomorrow and part of me doesn't want to go back. but i MUST go back. i CANNOT give up. it's hard, but it's not that hard!!

so i dropped the bike twice. another girl dropped the bike once, but on her leg, and had to go to the hospital. (the girl that is about 75 pounds soaking wet) i think it was a perfunctory visit, but still she can't come back to class. a tiny part of my wished i were her and could leave. i must persist, though, not to save face, because obviously i'm telling the world right here how i feel, but because honestly i think it's anxiety getting the best of me and pessimism winning out over optimism, and i think that i CAN do it, although at several points i found myself saying inside my (new 160$) helmet "oh god, i can't do this, oh god".

i so desperately wanted to call steph and talk to her about how i feel. in a way i still do. but i think i will wait until sunday. i mean, i know she's been to the class and might be able to help me not be so... wussy about it. and you know, wanting to talk to her. my parents kind of helped when i called them... i thought they'd be like quit! it's dangerous! you have the right idea! but they weren't. they were like, you can't give up now! the instructors were also very encouraging and have not kicked me out yet.

i think that's all i can say about it... i'm going back tomorrow... but i'm frightened. of what, i am not really sure.