Today is a grind. In part because my right leg is fux0red, in part because the most dreaded part of my work day occurs at the very end. Another opportunity for failure and humiliation? Awesome, sign me up!

Despite this sort of sentiment I really do feel more OK than most days. I bit my lip and didn't cry last night.

and lo, all the network geeks did snicker into their hands quietly, for on that day the cisco router gods did judge kim, and find her wanting. for it is truth that 771 is not equal to or greater than 849, and thus a grade of failure was bestowed.

but find that kim did not consider herself a total failure, and while she did not buy herself a congratulatory manicure or new cd, she did commit to a new trial by CCNA to be completed in october, and thus did she hope she did not just throw another $125 down the pooper.

things to try next time:
- brain drugs
- sleeping immediately prior to the exam?
- sewing up the hole in the sleeve of the Lucky Exam Shirt, which was torn during the furor of the first trial.
- find a sampo

It happens from time to time when I take a class; I snap. Whether it is because my attention span has reached its end or because someone has just said something baffling or ridiculous, I go from learning-enabled to blind and deaf in one moment. Today I was going strong, taking notes and recalling things I'd forgotten, right up until about halfway through the subnetting lecture. The IP subnetting lecture is one I've heard not a few times, and one I know not a few of you can give in your sleep. Today, I was re-learning it as I always do, and as we were getting into the serious binary discussion, and bits and bytes, something "fun" happened. I asked a question, and the following exchange occurred:

Teacher: I know what you're asking, and I'm about to answer it.
Me: Let me ask it before you assume that, I was going to say if you replace... (etc, logical question)
Teacher: No, that's not the question you're asking.

Right after that, I'm not exactly sure what happened, because the temperature in the room rose about five degrees and a little pocket of silence was filled with hostility, and a miniature bloodbath occured quickly and messily in my mind, replete with pens gouged in eyeballs and thousands upon thousands of papercuts inflicted. But while I was distracted with my snap into inability to learn, someone else whose eyes tend to glaze over when faced with a giant matrix of zeroes and ones had asked another question, distracting the class for a moment. Then, another pocket of silence, and the inevitable:

Teacher: Are there any other questions?
Me: *shakes head dazedly*
Guy Next to Me: She has a question.

Thanks, guy. Thanks alot. Just as I had realized that I needed to get out of that room as quickly, quietly and gracefully as possible, without opening my mouth to let a torrent of garbage fall out, you bring all eyes back to me. What resulted was a mess of me trying to ask a question, the teacher running over everything I was saying, me going up to the board to make my point, being wrong, and sitting down feeling about ten times more foul and making a comment to the effect that you can miss a few questions on the test, and that I planned on purposely missing the ones regarding IP subnetting just for spite.

All this brought to mind as I was driving home, other educational misadventures and the lessons learned from them. The main one that chaps my cookies (phrase stolen from swartzdk) is the following: If you're ever teaching anyone else anything, ever, do not say the follow things, if you value your relationship with this person:

"It's easy."
"See, it's really easy!"
"Here, I just did it, now you go ahead and do it."

Any normal, average, everyday irrational human will hear the following:

"You're stupid."
"See, it's not just that you are stupid, but the degree to which you're stupid."
"Me=Filet Mignon, You=Grade F Penitentiary Meat."

This is just a word of advice. I tend to, when I hear the phrases above, go catatonic, or at least turn into a little volcano of rage, turning suddenly from "adult" mode to "child" mode, as Thomas Harris of transactional analysis fame might say. It's not very clear whose fault it is in this instance that your previously friendly mentoring activity will suddenly turn ugly, stymying possibly the future career of a pro-skateboarder, preventing the passing grade of a junior high school algebra student, or causing a delicate brain surgery to turn into a cerebral mauling, but if you as a responsible helper avoid these phrases, you might also avoid papercuts and pens gouged in your eye at the least.

i was counseled out of class today. i was not able to keep up with the pace of learning they set. i am glad i went, and i do wish i had been able to finish. i think by my own yardstick of achievement, i did pretty well. the instructor said i would be a good rider someday. i hope i get back on.

i will note that my last entry was titled, "i can't do this". it's just that attitude, i think, that got me here. well, i guess i have to work on my attitude before i go back.