If Jack manages emergency evening shopping tonight on the worst night possible while I go to the Patient First, I'm going to make Thanksgiving Dinner For One* tomorrow so as not to plague everyone with my plagueness.

Why not, it could be fun. :-/

* All I require is some kind of bird, not a turkey.

when i started this shift i was doing really well! i was all, la la, things will be ok even though i have procrastinated, listening to semisonic secret smile etc, and now i just feel a dull ache of anger and a strong desire to hole up in my room which is really way, way too prevalent lately. rar, no one is like me, i am a unique and ugly snowflake, blah blah moody bullshit. i feel like i need to clean out my blood.

it looks like the cat held me, and not the other way around. how did he get orangey fur on every single part of this shirt?

an ex once asked me to justify myself. it was his thing, he asked people to justify themselves to him. i don't feel like i could right now. i mean, not to him, but to myself. citizen XXX-XX-XXXX state your purpose: _______________

i blame the norfolk academy alumni bulletin!!!!!!!!! not myself. no, no it could never be my own damn fault.

vaguely surfacing, but still afraid something will pull me back down. things still are pulling me back down here and there. i've always likened depression to being under water. everything moves slower, and when you try to talk, nothing comes out that makes any sense, it's all garbled and quiet. i have been trying to tell Paranoia and Obsession to take a hike, they are not welcome here, but it has only worked so much. weird part about this all was a weirdly psychological allergy to livejournal. which i suppose tells me 1) how far i have drifted from an actual documentation of thoughts/events and 2) how scared i am of how people take me and what people have to say. fear is a big theme for me this week.

yeah, i've basically been terrified to talk to anyone. i can't take a "get over it" response. it's not that fucking simple and if i ever tell you it is you can haul off and punch me in the nose, ok? (i say this with the full knowledge that in the end, it is that simple for me however it might take a long time to get there.)

i decided to go to my 10 yr HS reunion but didn't send the RSVP yet, so who knows. those people didn't like me then, why would they bother now? probably because they are polite. and there might be some people there to talk to. and there might be interesting stories. or it could be an opportunity to network. yes. i should go.

got $129 in dry cleaning done. that is alot of dry cleaning. i forgot i HAD some of these clothes. how pretentious is having that much dry cleaning? OTOH, i expect my dad to post that that is mom's MONTHLY dry cleaning bill.

i still feel bad when i am left alone with my thoughts. stupid thoughts. i should go back to the sweet oblivion that is constant puzzle pirates.

blah blah hurricane blingety blah. i doubt that the night i get off of work (working from home... heh) will really make sense come saturday. but i don't want to drive in any crazy shit, either, so i'm happy to not go in.

it's been a weird weekend, and in a way i just want it to end.

[friday, though, friday was everything i wanted it to be and then some.]

i did laundry for like 36 hours, i have washed every piece of fabric i own just about.

i missed several social engagements, which sounds really dispassionate and does not reveal the level of regret i feel.

i did make it to B's. i spoke with someone named disconnect at great length and was glad for it.

but in the middle of all of this something happened that i wish i could pretend will make me stronger but i think it made me weaker. i want to forget about it. it's not a big deal but it feels like one. i would like to forget that sometimes i pretend.

then there was the fight about 'the usual suspects'. apparently i'm in a mood to pick fights this week and it's not flattering.

not to mention my friend that is sick. which is, well i just want to help and don't know how. i say what in my world are prayers.

It's one of those weeks where everything seems just a smidge out of focus. Everything is just a little bit to the left of where it should be. It started with a bad dream and I can't shake that feeling. I'm just keeping my head down and hoping it will pass.

The guy I have taken to going on smoke breaks with, I'll just call him Civicman (works in another dept) has started getting really weird about going to 7-11. We were all getting along and shit last week, but this week he keeps talking about how annoyed he is that the homeless people that sleep in and around the 7-11 ask him for change. It puts him out SO BAD that he just can't stop talking about how HE would never be homeless and HE would know where to go for help and HE would go get a DAMN JOB ALREADY. Oy. Civicman (ah, the irony) (I chose this name because of his riceboy ways) was so nice to talk to the last few weeks, I should have known it would go south.

At least i have been sleeping well.

Caught Identity at centerpark. Enjoyed it a great deal. Cusack, Busey, Mcginley, Liotta, and Duvall turned in great performances, in about that order. It reminded me of Session 9 at points and with certain themes. I kept laughing inappropriately, though. Oh, and I'm beginning to think that Clea Duvall is just a one trick pony. Disappointing.

Past that, feeling extremely hermity. However I got the 256mb card for my camera. I'm thinking I may have to get a cablemodem so that I can upload pictures to the web because currently everything is just going to have to stay on my computer. Dialup is way too slow.

well, i started getting weird and depressed, and after i thought about it, checked over my monday morning entries over the past few months: yes, i get weird and depressed mainly on monday mornings. coincidence, i think not.

woke up good and late today as i hoped. 4pm. i trucked over to see cheetahmaster and lilmymble and to give out the goth baby t-shirt we had acquired in NYC. i am happy to report that it looks like it will fit at least for a little while. we chatted and stuff for a while, their hospitality in the face of spontaneous invasion was kind.

then i went home and watched the discovery channel shows about transgenderness and six feet under. both very interesting but very heavy, maybe not the best choices. (okay except for James Cromwell of Babe fame, i love him) now DNG and i are having a slow night at work. i've been eating constantly all day, and never feeling full, what's up with that. i think i will dig into these dark chocolate reese's now.

SnideGrrl (5:19:10 AM): if i ever get on a chat room for depression, fucking shoot me
AngrygamerChris (5:19:21 AM): ugh why?
SnideGrrl (5:19:22 AM): that's the perfect thing to do when you're depressed
SnideGrrl (5:19:29 AM): hang out and talk to a bunch of depressed people
SnideGrrl (5:19:44 AM): right on!

===========

In other news, I did meet my first LJ stranger last night! cerisefleur and I had dinner over at Panera (I had never eaten there before) and it was very nice and we had a good chat until... we got kicked out! They apparently close at 9:00 or something. Bah! It was funny when the lady busing tables (who seemed to not speak english?) came over to coo over my blue hair and wanted to touch it.

My spirits are rising with my increased feeling of health, but as snow is ominously looming on the forecast, and I hope to do some responsible things like sewing and laundry, I will not drive to Blacksburg on friday. Work is slower than molasses in Alaska tonight.

i have no idea what set me off friday night. so weird. i just got run down or something. friday i had been really happy; i mean i was ticked that it took so long to get my new car stereo, but when it was all said and done i love the thing to death, it sounds just fab. i mean, it doesn't sound like a thousand dollar sound system, but that's because it's not and i am cool with that. i spent more money on it than i should have but i didn't go out of my budget... okay, okay, i don't need to go over it any more, what's done is done. and now riding around in my car is like a little tiny vacation. which was the whole idea. i need to burn some mp3 cds.

i'd been looking forward to friday night all week see; it's unusual for me to not be able to see my SO all week. i'm very much used to a more cohabitational relationship even though i have technically never cohabitated. but i will say it does make the time spent together that much more sweet. it took a while to actually get together, as rockville had become some kind of vehicular hell zone due to apparently a parking garage project collapsing. i waited some of it out at the barnes and noble which was when i started my quest for a scary/spooky book. i called cheetahmaster and grilled him but it was to no avail. it felt like it was really late when i finally reached bizarrojack. we didn't do anything special; skipped out on harry potter, played games together, chatted. but that was all i wanted, so it was fine. until i got pissy and depressed for no apparent reason. thankfully, the only casualty was the book club mailing list, as i am utterly freaked out that a book might be chosen that i am 100 percent confident i will despise. and on top of that my SO expressed desire to read this book that the very title tries to turn my stomach. i don't feel like going into what it is and why because the point is that i shot off what was in my mind a very pissy email and then sulked and went to sleep. honestly, going to sleep was the best thing i could have done because it meant that i didn't cry unnecessarily or say anything actually mean or unfair to anyone. i have to remember it is not a personal affront to me that people want to read this book and i could be all wrong about the book anyways. and hope against hope, someone will come up with a better idea. anyways, that really got me down, more than it should have.

so, i woke up still feeling kind of shitty, told myself to stop, finished reading watcher in the woods, ate cheesecake, and felt better. i suppose there's a long shot it could have been a blood sugar thing, but i'm not sure i buy that because i've gone for longer without eating without the mood swings. as it turned out, the morning went well and i went back to sleep a few times, just laying around and being lazy, once i realized that that was what i needed to do. i didn't get anything on my to-do list done, but it felt really good to just bum around with jack. i then proceeded to miss out on not one, not two, but three possible viewings of the FotR extended version. oh well, it will be around. i actually played diablo ii a bunch... bad me. it was fun. after necrocannibal and msteleute got home the necmeister joined us for some diabloing which was SUPER excellent fun and everything i wanted out of my "sunday". yeah, it was my sunday, because here i am at work tonight. fucking hell. as you can see i really have my heart in this working saturday thing. yeah. right.

driving to work was actually the hardest part of it... the rain really fucks with me... i thought i was going to die the entire way. i really need to start keeping an eye on the weather and think harder about arranging to metro in on nights like this. in addition to that making me uncomfortable, i'm wearing boxer briefs right now and they are bunching. and i forgot my badge and secureid and therefore feel like a right fool and kind of useless. on the up side... it's 4am now. hell yeah, over the hump. i have a card swap at 6am and then i am the fsck out of here. my cat misses me, i'm sure. i miss him! i am a cat lady!!!!

yesterday zarobi was sweet enough to take me out to the car graveyard to retrieve my things. it was not fun. well, the actual seeing the car was not fun. it looked worse than last time. then we went to eatzi's and got hoity toity food and took it back to columbia - along with some boone's. we watched trigun and i looked at consumer reports car guides. the truck is calling to me.

jwiv and traceracer came in and started watching Amelie (yay!) and the decision was made to go catch knockaround guys, and i followed suit after some debate. it was a complete madhouse at arundel mills, well duh, but i've never even seen it this bad.

i was too tired to drive to rockville so jack was seet enough to come over, but not before a quick and fun dinner at the diner. yay. he's kind of having to put up with the brunt of my whinyness and things which he is doing with good grace. i have been starting to feel depressed and i want to avoid that so i'm trying to be, again, very matter of fact about it, as in, i see this is happening, i'm just going to appreciate it for what it is to try to minimize it with rationality.

i'll just out and say it: i'm having depressed day, and i have no idea why. it was getting incrementally worse as the weekend wore on - and it's not that i had a bad weekend - just that for some reason everything seemed bad by the end of it. i sometimes wish that if i have clinical depression, it would manifest itself in a consistent way that would indicate some kind of regular treatment. all i know is that right now i'm running on minimum energy and the things i normally like and want to do i have no enthusiasm for nor desire to undertake. i'm taking everything as bad signs instead of good signs or no signs at all. i'm glad i slept on saturday and all, keeping me to a proper overnight schedule, but it wasn't a tired sleep...

i got the most amazing charley horse friday after swimming and then taking a nap. i am still feeling the effects. my left calf has a weird knot in it that is painful. saturday night we saw road to perdition. i didn't know what it was, i just knew i wanted to be around people. i don't regret seeing it i just enjoyed the company more. jack and i stayed up talking and i told him all about my fiscal irresponsibility. i think it helped to hear his point of view on it. i'm doing better than i was, but by far not good enough. i reminded myself during this conversation that while i filed my taxes, i still have not paid them. that's gonna bite me in the ass if i don't watch it. the fact is, i have to stop spending so much. so, next time i get tempted, i have to think responsibly. we'll see how that goes.

today msteleute and i went shopping at old navy. we also had excellent thai food at a restaurant on viers mill i had never tried before. it was very, very good. later on i accidentally met bizarrojack's parents which i was not prepared for, but i think they did not hate me.

even this is not cheering me up.

here is a picture of what i kind of want my hair to look like. i also wish i were so buff as her, but heh.

I just posted this to diaryland, and then took it down:


I just want to say that it's all so stupid. All of it! We're all so stupid. I'm stupid, everyone is stupid. I'll show you a waste of time! Everything is a waste of time! Eating is a waste of time! Sleeping is a waste of time! Loving is a waste of time! It's so easy to be stupid. To make the same mistakes over and over again. To fuck things up. It's nobody's fault, and everyone's fault. There's no fucking point to any of it, ok?

I think the main question is, am I enjoying it? Is it fucking awesome and does it make me laugh? Am I going to regret it? Does it hurt anyone? Those are four main questions. Fuck.

Sorry. I'm just really angry right now. This isn't supposed to make any sense. It's just the really fucking stupid time of night. Fuck all.


I had a cigarette and I'm going to eat something now. That oughta help. Now, instead of fucking around and making myself feel bad, I'm going to do some work. Life is a beautiful, and funny thing.