My Brezsny for this week is a doozy:

ButlersGuild.com named Mr. Ravi Shankar as its Butler of the Year. Serving as Head Butler of the Qasr Al Sharq hotel in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, Shankar "always acts with complete integrity in everything he does." Your simple yet arduous assignment, Leo, is to be worthy of that same description. Are you up to the challenge? Can you be morally and ethically impeccable, between now and noon on June 18, in every single thing you do and say and think? Do you have the willpower to be absolutely free of hypocrisies, deceits, and manipulations? Can you refrain from speaking derisive or careless words about anyone, while at the same time being rigorously authentic and intent on telling the deepest truths?

So no deceit? Alright then. Can I do all that? No, it is not very likely!

Let me tell you internets, bushels of crabs are expensive. To anyone who's hosted a crab feast that I have attended, my eternal gratitude. Also I will not be hosting one anytime soon because whoah.

So I have returned from vacation! Lake weekend was awesome. I cannot possibly sum it up although I think I almost died from laughing at several points. Grape cosmopolitans are just as awesome out of a plastic cup, and Kundla's still has the best ribs. I wish I'd thought to take a picture of the ribs!! Many references were made to lolcats, spider pig, and a certain dog and naked lady picture, which is not what you think!

I am back in the thick of work mess and I am not thrilled about it, not one bit. Last night I comforted myself at Kohl's. At least I look cute while trying not to shoot lasers out of my eyeballs.

I forgot how much I love Hamburger Helper! Here's to finding old frozen ground beef in the back of the freezer in a moment of desperation.

I don't normally post these, but Brezsny is killing me today, a day I needed spiritual guidance:

How should we visualize the phase you're in? Are you coming back home after a harrowing journey to the abyss? Or are you about to launch a quest straight into the heart of the dawn's blinding promise? Paradoxically enough, Leo, you're doing both. You're coming and going at the same time. You're graduating from an ancient lesson and beginning a new course of study. Hints of the future are mingled with the last gasps of the past.

It's funny because lately I feel like I've been getting back to my old INTP roots, only now I'm a little more INTJ. Watch out world! Practical, mercenary Kim is coming.

I have a tricky assignment for you this week, Leo. It will require you to display an open-hearted curiosity as you live on the edge of your understanding. It will ask you to be cheerful and optimistic as you question as many of your certainties as you can. Your challenge is to embody the attitude suggested by Caroline Myss in this passage from her CD, Spiritual Madness: The Necessity of Meeting God in Darkness: "The moment you come to trust chaos, you see God clearly. Chaos is divine order, versus human order. Change is divine order, versus human order. When the chaos becomes safety to you, then you know you're seeing God clearly."

Mr. Brezsny seems to be advising me against my instincts here, unless I am missing something. I already feel like I have been doing the aforementioned for the past 3 months, and it's not been working any magic... more chaos? Aigh. Well maybe after lunch there will be some kind of revelation. Other than that, for once, it's just a Wednesday, and I'm glad.

Rob Breszny knows what is in the back of my mind all the time today.

Let's do a check-in, Leo. In the first eight weeks of 2004, how well have you taken advantage of the stellar wealth-building opportunities? Have you been doing the inner work necessary to increase your value? Have you unleashed your imagination in a quest to heal and supercharge your relationship with money? Have you started to lay the groundwork for the livelihood you want to be doing by March 1, 2009? It's prime time to intensify your efforts in all these tasks. P.S. I suggest that you also cultivate relationships with collaborators who can help you attract resources you'll need for a long time.

Healing my relationship with money? Well I'm working on that slowly. Cultivating relationships with collaborators? Hello, thank you livejournal. Groundwork for the livelihood I want by 2009? What?! Huh?!! I wish I knew what I wanted to be doing in 2009. Every day it's something different. Psychiatrist. Lawyer. Social worker. He misses the mark on wealth: I do not consider myself a wealth-builder. I consider myself a comfort-accumulator. It's not exactly the same thing. It's probably not too far off from what we read about in Bobos in Paradise although I like to think myself above the materialism and excessive expense Brooks describes in his book. So, 2009... it's time I face you. At least I feel like there are a certain number of doors available to me, and that the only thing that will prevent me from opening them is me. (That's who has been doing it all this time, after all...)

I have to go to a class today unexpectedly. I am nigh unto ticked off at this fact.

Today I woke up with a sensation of being unable to confront what I was thinking about this morning.

Today I woke up from a dream of going to France with the characters from Scrubs and geniealisa.

Today I woke up and got my Rob Breszny horoscope, which looks like this:

It's prime time for you to acquire a pair of lucky pants. How will you know they're lucky? Because they'll endow you with an intuitive sense of where to walk in order to have adventures that'll inspire you to see the big picture. It will also be a favorable week for you to rummage around in thrift stores until you find a pair of magic X-ray specs that'll give you the power to perceive the secret motives of everyone you gaze upon. Wait! There's one more piece of spooky good news. I predict you'll soon have a vivid dream in which you explore what's hidden below the tip of the iceberg.

Today I woke up less disappointed in myself than I felt when I went to bed.

Why must I have Mars in Taurus and Saturn in Cancer?

"People born with Saturn in Cancer desperately need to justify their existence... They even enjoy passing a policeman in the street to feel the satisfaction of being law-abiding, on the law's side."

Let's not even talk about the Moon in Aries.

"You may pour out vast amounts of energy in great spurts of enthusiasmand ultimately achieve nothing."

thank you, rob breszny:

If I'm reading the astrological omens correctly, Leo, you're currently as foxy and irresistible as it's possible for you to be. So what are you going to do about it? Sit back on your throne and wait for all your adoring subjects to come to you bearing gifts? Or will you explore far and wide through your kingdom, aggressively plucking the finest blessings from the most radiant and talented virtuosos? If the decision were up to me, I'd opt for the latter. I'd urge you to get out there and hunt down aerobic acts of enjoyment with those who can match your passion.

woo woo!

and of course, my post of boredom summoned a visit from my manager and some guy from customer support, specifically the crazy guy, who came over and hung out in my cube (and when i say in my cube i mean within a foot of me at all times for NO apparent reason) and talked about stuff i had nothing to do with like how the crazy guy needs to quit working here because he owns alot of land he has to take care of and his anxiety medication means that he has to call in sick to work all the time and his wife and three kids need to be managed and he should start his own business anyways because he's so brilliant and blah de blah blah blah. i have no idea why they specifically came to my cube to have this conversation but i guess it was less boring than sitting here staring at netcool. ugh. quit already then!!!

many minor annoyances sticking in my craw tonight; not the least of them being work. it bothers me when people get overly uptight about an issue/outage that is simply not that crucial. but then that's a bad attitude of mine that i am sure annoys them. other things that are annoying me... i have about 20 contacts that are old or outdated or unwelcome on my IM contact list that i deleted, and they keep showing back up in a folder called "merged contacts" on my contact list. i don't want to have to see these contacts anymore that's why i deleted them. grrr. i delete them again every night, but i'd really prefer that they just not show up. i win the "politically correct annoying ninny" award at work tonight; i overheard some of the swing shift guys bitching about the fact that the HR form says "spouse or domestic partner" and if i heard them correctly, they were making disparaging comments about the fact that domestic partners are "homos" (they didn't say "fags" in a derogatory way, but they might as well have...) and that that just isn't the same as their actual wives. well, i didn't punch them in the face, i just started talking loudly about how it's pretty unfair that under the law in our country it's ridiculous that heterosexuals can get married and same-sex couples can't and i'm glad that my company is trying to address that in their benefits in their own way. i believe i referred to "them" and "us" in my little rant so now they all think i am a lesbian, which i don't mind at all. they already think i'm a raving weirdo. man, i was so mad. and finally, reaching back earlier into my evening, the annoying thing was that as i was leaving my building to go to work, some guy smoking outside called out to me, "you got a boyfriend?" to which i said "yes" not in the least part because it's truthful, but then i thought, "what the fuck kind of question is that???" of course, then he said "that's too bad" and made some noise that i'm sure was meant to be, uh, flattering. ick.

tonight i skipped out on going to see the butchies (or so i thought, apparently their concert is tonight, not last night) to stay home and eat a tasty dinner cooked by my roommate (turkey spaghetti, a fine thing indeed) and watch the japanese version of the ring. ( my thoughts, cut for spoilerage ) but i had fun making fun of the bad subtitles.

thank you rob brezny:

I'm a big fan of regular purification. I believe every one of us should periodically shake ourselves free from the grip of stale habits and rotting karma. My method does not, however, revolve around ordeals of self-denial. Instead, I prefer to instigate purification through rituals of liberation. Would you consider this approach, Leo? If so, close yourself down to influences that demean your spirit and lower your energy, even as you open yourself up to people and adventures that stoke your excitement about being alive. Nothing will cleanse you more efficiently.

and finally, i will be seeing an old friend tonight whom i haven't seen in literally years. someone from the camarilla! i look forward to catching up over dinner. i hope i have interesting things to say... and then friday, i am going to anoint the aspire with its own shiny new stereo. i have it all picked out; i'm only doing front speakers for now. i want the JVC KDSX980 with Infinity Reference coax speakers. i'm told they have silk dome tweeters and that that is the best thing. whatever! i want pretty music. then i can't get anything else for myself this year!

i find it really odd to think about the times when i couldn't buy myself ANYTHING. i mean, like when i was a kid and for anything over five bucks i had to wait until christmas or birthday or when i got sick or something. now when i see something more often than not i could get it for myself. it really puts things in perspective. had you showed me this life when i was 8 i wouldn't have believed it!! and i also would have asked myself why i bought a 60 dollar sweater instead of buying 60 dollars worth of toys. of course, thinking about this i also remind myself: i might be right back there in no time. anytime. for no one knows how long. so i want to make sure i curb my consuming and think carefully about every financial step i take; that said i'm damn well getting this stereo in celebration of the fact that i'm not making car payments right now. ahhhhh, rationalization.

as i walked downstairs today to go feed the meter i was struck with a vivid memory of childhood; i could feel a bit of the chill in the air and i was clinking my change together in my pocket; the smell in the stairwell was one of concrete and recently dried paint. i had a sudden vision of going to baylake pines elementary school, with the change in my pocket that promised a chocolate milk later on, and the great feeling i had going there and the hope that it was a good lunch that day. i can't remember anything specific, like what i wore... but i can remember that feeling. i wish i felt like that more often and it wasn't just a memory.

( and a horoscope )

From Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology:

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Week of May 9, 2002

Many pro baseball players now have theme songs. As home run king Barry Bonds strides to the plate, stadium loudspeakers reverberate with Dr. Dre's "Next Episode." Seattle's Bret Boone favors "Elevation" by U2, and Atlanta's Andruw Jones prefers "Last Resort" by Papa Roach. This is an excellent idea for all of us non-ballplayers to adopt -- especially you Leos as you head into the heart of your personal High Ambition Season. Even if you've had a personal anthem in the past, it's time to find a fresh one that embodies the attitude you want to bring to your new success cycle. A bit of advice: Steer away from tormented rants like Pink's "Missundaztood," and head in the direction of declarations of independence like India.Arie's "Video" or Mary J. Blige's "No More Drama."

That's funny. I own the Mary J. Blige cd. Unfortunately, I think that most of the songs on it other than that one are crap. I think for now I'll use that Jimmy Eat World song that's being played on the radio every five seconds.